Boring Doms

Dominance is more than just status

I was at 250-person sex party the other day and there was a dominatrix walking the floor. She was with a sub, another attractive woman. I never know how to interact with dommes. I find them interesting. And I thought about this for a while, as they wandered round, kissing, the sub led on a chain. Eventually I bucked up my courage.

“Hi, may I ask a question?” I said to the tall leather-clad woman with a thin black band across her chest

“As long as it’s short.” I guess that’s in character.

“How does one talk to doms at one of these things?”

“Well they certainly don’t interrupt when they’re with someone.”

Oh how boring.

Dominance as high status

This domme, like many people, saw being a dom as being high status, higher status than her sub, higher status than me. That her whole role is to be high status and imperious and that to interact with her one must take on the submissive role. In this case she already had a sub, ergo no free space, ergo rejection

But I think that doesn’t make sense in lots of ways. This wasn’t just for the two of the. She wasn’t having sex with her sub in a private booth. They were wandering back and forth at the front of a crowded room. Later they were both part of one of the on-stage acts. There was little private or inconspicuous about it. Weren’t they inviting discussion, engagement?

And if I am to be responded to rudely, isn’t she domming me a bit? Like isn’t she forcing me into the role even as she rejects me from it? Mixed signals!

Dominance as a scene/relationship

I prefer to see dominance as a thing that one enters into. One can be dominant to somebody, be submissive to somebody else. One can be dominant and submissive to the same person on different occasions. Dominance is a scene that begins and ends, and it might encompass some people and not others.

And to me, this makes more sense being a dom at an event. You are acting out your scene with your sub in front of other people.

And in this way, other people can choose to enter or not into the scene. As the dom, the person leading the scene, you can choose whether to accept them into your scene or reject them. People can come in acting as subs if they wish, but they can enter as adults, interacting with the dom, and their sub, with the dom’s permission.

It doesn’t have to be boring

To me, being a dom is about playing with boundaries, playing with what people do and don’t want to do, playing with status, and just sort of endlessly being high status seems to me to be a bit boring. Managing space and status seems to have more room for content.

What’s more, in the former case I am sucked into the scene whether I want to be or not. I am unable just to be an adult interacting with another adult. Sure I found this woman attractive, but I was also curious about how she dominated, what she got out of it. Initially I wanted just a conversation, and that wasn’t permitted by how she saw domming work.

How it might have gone

“Hi, may I ask a question”

“As long as it’s short” This is fine, being half-in-character is fine.

“How does one talk to doms at one of these things?”

“That depends, are you auditioning?”

“I wouldn’t say no”

“I wouldn’t say no, Mistress. Well rule one is not to bother a domme while she’s occupied”

Or alternatively.

“That depends, are you auditioning?”

“No, not really. Just seems like an interesting vibe”

“I’m pretty busy thanks”

I’ve painted her as disinterested in both of these. She clearly didn’t want to talk to me and I’m not gonna change that. But I wasn’t in her scene, so she was just.. rude. And she closed down any chance of a conversation between two adults.

“That depends, are you auditioning?”

“No, not really. Just seems like an interesting vibe”

“It is. This is Laura, say hello Laura” The woman behind her with the chain waves. I wave back.

“So what drove you to become a domme?”

“Catholic school”

“And her” I say pointing to Laura.

“Management consultancy”

Boundaries are the whole point

My point is that being a domme doesn’t mean you are free from social norms of the event you’re at. Or in my view it shouldn’t. I think it’s unhelpful for everyone to be opted into your kink scene even, at a sex party. And yeah, I think it’s boring.

Many people seem to have a view that being dominant is being high status or rude. To me that seems such a narrowing of the possible concept.

I’m no expert but in my view, being a dom is about being somehow in control. Whether that’s physically, sensually, psychologically. But only with those in the scene. And knowing allows safety - has this person consented? - and also play with the concept: How does your sub fit into an otherwise standard conversation. What does your control look like when interacting in normal or strange situations? What about multiple subs? Multiple doms? Confused non-combatants? Anything other than the most basic braindead version of the domming - I walk around looking hot, she is chained.

If that’s all you have to offer, I was wrong to want the conversation.